i'm having this overwhelming feelings going through me.
Sad, happiness, contented.
To have once felt so blessed and loved.
and happy.

That it doesn't matter anymore what becomes of the future, cos' I've once had that feeling, and it's probably good enough for me.



stupid stupid hormones.

i really have zero idea what people think of me.

most of the times, i don't give a shit about other people.
some people call it self-centered.
but again, i don't usually give a shit.

my theory is,
"you're not my bf, you're not my parents. I don't have to like you"
"i'm not your gf, i'm not your parents, you don't have to like me"

i guess there was this period of time i was really concerned about what other people think, and i would kill to know what other people think. but that was really really long ago, like when i was in primary sch and all.

people say lousy stuffs to me, behind me, infront of me, beside me. and i get affected a lot.

I remember forcing myself to be less kpo. seriously. and i guess it went extreme, and i became like this over the decade. still a little kpo, but i swear i'm below average. plus i'm half blind. and I'm self-centered.

so.. being heck-care and ignorant, i realised i do miss out on a lot of stuffs. half the time i don't even know what's going on. people come in through the door i don't even look, people sitting beside me i don't even care. And when I ask 'what's going on?', people either can't say or lazy to explain.

Being less kpo have caused me to be less observant apparently.. :(
sigh. 

but i mean....
will i be happier if i know stuffs? 

will i be happier if i know like 99.99% of my friends hate me?
will i be happier to know that i'm disgusting/ugly/stupid, or all of them?
will i be happier if i know how much you earn? or who is rich, who is not? who is with who, who is quarreling with who? who digs his nose, who goes to the toilet and never wash his hands etc.

i mean  those are bad stuffs.
but what are the chances that people say good stuffs?
i don't know.
see what i mean...?



anyway..... what got me into this was because i was reading my older posts (i'm not a narcissist, i just very much like to know what i was doing at this time last year. or a few months back) 

and i really get what i mean when i said that I wouldn't write sad emo depressing posts, because this is what happens. I read about them and I remember explicitly what happened, and how i felt. the feelings all came back. i mean, i was feeling really trashy last year, everything single thing was going the wrong way, and wtf, I wanted to cry when I remembered all the stuffs.

it's amazing how a small trigger can make you remember so much details.

and.. it's just self-reflection.
now i think about it, some people do really hate me.
i get the signs, now.
can't really remember why they hate me, maybe it will come back later next time.
but yes, i get that they hate me.

and i didn't gave a shit about it.

being delusional/ignorant/bo-chup/close-both-eyes..
it helps sometimes doesn't it?
at least i got through them, small wound.

but..
i think it's time for me to open my eyes now.
and it doesn't necessarily mean i have to be a kpo.

i think i need to see more, now. know what's going on, and stop being blind.


it's just the sleep talking.
nights world!

my nonsensical life.

Recently, I have been hanging out with that two friends; one crazy and one which act as our neutraliser. Without her to support me, I think that crazy woman will over-power me!!!


so, life has been like this. 3 days to the new year, I've been so angry, and so crazed up with people at the same time hahaha.


anger is so... tormenting to oneself. tsk tsk. irritating. ignore ignore....


Yes, 我 2009 年的主題是 : 不要生气，要乐观，开开心心!!


:) Mayday tomorrow! wondering if I should go for the Concert in Aug.. ahhhhh~~! i still have.. probably 5 months to think about it haha.


hoorray, weekends! :)

unpredictable

Sometimes some things are so predictable,
so much so that you get really irritated.

But sometimes,
things are so unpredictable,
you just want to dig a hole and hope it has never happened.


Things in your life.
Affected by your own actions?
Other people?
Chance?
Luck?
God?

:(



I am amazed at how drastic my mood can change between the extremes. In a split second, but for a very long time. Sigh... Life can be so interesting sometimes..


And pain in the ass as well for most times.

hey hey.

I finally watched the show Music & Lyrics. Not a bad show, not bad at all. Hey, I got the cd, so if anyone wants to watch just.. hm. sms me? :)

And I quote from the movie,

A melody is like seeing someone for the first time.The physical attraction. Sex.

I so get that.

But then, as you get to know the person, that's the lyrics. Their story. Who they are underneath. It's the combination of the two that makes it magic.

:)

***

I'm studying for my genomic technique test now. Last minute studying. Ugh. I never learn, do I? (no, don't answer that. It's a rhetorical question. sigh.. ) I'm starting to talk to myself, no? no. don't answer that too.


while..


The thought of studying. It reminds me of lichang. I don't know why, but her. Just images flashed through, of me and her studying in the school library after school until 10pm for our big O. (ahems. not THAT. i mean o levels you pervs -.-) and us studying during aspro and doing sucky addmaths and vectors during class and me trying to do my chinese compo and everything.

wow. what fond memories.


Happy Birthday to Big bro! I guess he is a happy 30-year-old man now. And as I read his blog, time really do pass by. Makes me wanna cherish every moment in my life, I wanna remember everything and every single thing and person.

Years/months later, I wanna look back and remember all the nice things I've done and enjoyed. Enjoy your youth everone! Yeah, seldom would you see 30-40 something married women sashaying Sentosa beach with bikinis right.


Maybe in the near future, but, who knows.


So, tell me, why am I digging my heads into my books all the time huh? Enjoy life, huh!

messed up life

It is just a quiz, why is everyone so worked up about it. I didn't even attend the first two sessions, and I wonder why am I not worried.

In fact, I am.
But compared to them, my worries are so puny.


Life is so messed up now. Small little things accumulate to give me such a big pain in the ass. Everyone seem to be asking the same question lately: What lies ahead?

For sure I know, I want to do well for my FYP and find a job after my poly. Maybe it's jealousy or what, but I really look down on people who are already able to work but still takes "pocket-money" and depend on their parents on their well-being and daily necessities.


They really think their parents owe them is it?

Sounds like me, no?


For sure if I actually work, be it part-time or full-time, at this age I feel that I shouldn't take any money from my parents anymore since I have my own income, however small.


I think I'd be very happy if my children are able to support themselves. It actually shows that you've brought them up well into the society, into reality right? And not one who have no basic survival skills and if you die, they die with you, literally.

I want to be independent. spend my own money. buy my own car. pay my own bills. shop with my own money. 18 years from them is really enough, I think I owe them much much more.


I have a new goal!
A short one, but meaningful.
Independence before 20.


If I had written this last year, I wouldn't be so lazy now and be still sitting here and sloth around, cuz independence at 18 sound way better than 20.

Jobs jobs!
I'll start looking for part-time jobs soon.
(:


You know why indepence sound so nice?
cause you really don't have to account for any thing you do.

Sweet.

TIRED

you know early morning(late-night) are times where you really blog out all the puny stuffs that's sticking out of your life.

like the leaves of the cactus plant.


I can't help but think of how much i've changed over the years
(while studying for LMBS test)

But the changes i see,
doesn't seem any difference to people around me.
which makes me think,
have i really changed?

Of course, changes need not necessarily be bad.
changing for the better, is good, isn't it?

But i don't seem to know what is good, what is for the better, anymore.


Learning to bend the rules,
is it a good thing?

bending the rules will really make life so much easier, most of the time.
And what are rules for?!


I used to be following the rules quite deligently.

Afterall, i came to realise what a deciplined
(and really strict) school juying is,

having to still have reading periods,
having to line up to go for assembly,
forbidden to go shopping malls with school uniforms,
having to greet teachers and principals when we pass-by them,
and having made compulsory to wear school socks!



what seemed bad, doesn't appear very much anymore.
i can't be bothered with rules and guidelines.

i skip school,
i don't study,
i take shortcuts.
i try to outsmart my parents and everyone else.
i want everything my way, a way that will make life easier.

i don't even know if they're wrong.
why are they not right?

it makes me wonder why am i studying the quiz,
why is that slip of result more important than you're life.

it makes me wonder if my motivation came from having good results,
or do i really want to study and learn and be educated.

i tried getting a life,
staying away from "get good grades" mind-set
and really enjoy my life
enjoying it with kiong
and really just ENJOY.

what hit us so bad was the fact that,
we really can't get past that result slip.

it wasn't really for us,
it was more for our parents,
more for getting a better pay in the future,
more for a stepping stone to our career,

and then,
came us.

and i hope for the last time,
i'm studying for the sake of good results, which i don't get it anyway..

sigh...
sp. sp. sp...
i wonder what everyone is thinking.
like me?
:(


i miss kiong..
:(

Truths.

Cold.
Indeed, there are different kinds of weather for human as well. Cold and bitter.

AH.
Whatever!

--
Remember at the beginning of the year where they say Dragons will have a bad year ahead?
:)
you don't?
anyway, you must be an/a (fill in the blank) , if you don't.

IT IS.

Okay, so maybe I got myself a nice-caring fantastic boyfriend, I passed my exams and got into year 2, I was happy spending quality time with my friends despite our busy life, I bought so many many stuffs, I had the most adorable guineapigs and lost one of them. and yeah, some which i didn't mention, (HA!).

I was happy, but of course, who will ever forget the sad times. yes, I lost one of my pig, it died. i am sad. i lost my freedom. duh, i am sad. i lost my place in school, in class. Yes, actually i am sad.
I lost my place at home. lost my family. sad sad sad.we quarelled over and over again. i was very sad. i lost myself. kind of. I dunno. and I thought I lost everyone. maybe?

Bottomline: you should always have some room to believe in fortune telling.


and so christmas is over. i didn't busk into the heavy human traffic durin christmas eve this time.coincidence is always more fun and interesting. if not for the work at TAKA last year, i don't think i would ever step into orchard during christmas! who would? maybe working with ningxin was also a planned coincidence? resolved the disputes i had with her. maybe whatever happened this year was meant to be.

everything just showed me more about people, the humans. supposedly the intellegent ones and just an inch away from those chimpanzees. maybe too complicated.

Definitely learnt a lot this year, and there's so so so much more to do and learn. And yes, people do change. Time will tell everything. and whatever happens, at least i still got him. and i still have myself.

hehe.

when everything revolve around school

happy with myself

i finished molbio datasheet myself,
all by myself.
even though it's not individual datasheet,
i'm rather contented.
i actually got familiar with my notes already.
haha.

even though i spent 1hr on it;
time cannot be bought back.
:(


just to add on before i finally start on my bia report,
i'm really sick of deciding whether or not to go thailand.

you see the dilemma?
you don't right?
it always seem like no one understands,
no one bother listening to me and shutting me off before i even start.
:(


why can't mrgoh just tell me where's my placement
why can't i tell myself what to do any more.
:(

anyways,
i can't believe once again,
the year is ending.

tmr is the last session of molbio prac,
met bio prac is finished,
and so is bia
as well as anatomy&phys.

yes.
all pracs finished.
exams in less than 2mths.
minus away the christmas break,
1month.

that's super fast.

and if i even pass my itp and this semester,
i'm in year 3 already!
preparing for my final year project.


and soon..
soon soon..

i'll graduate;
i'll work;

kiong will go army;
kiong will finish army;

we will get engaged;
we will get married.

we will buy house.
we will live together everyday.

we will have kids,
we will have grand kids,
and then we will die.

now..
seem very far away already right?
hehe..
that's my point.

-----
why is it that when i want to like her,
i ended up hating her more.

why is it that when i hate her,
i ended up wanting to forgive her.

why is it that when i have forgiven everything,
i end disliking her,
once again.

why is it when i'm disliking her,
i hate myself at the same time.

why is it that i want to be friends with her
but she is obstructing it herself.

maybe, just maybe,
i was the one who let it slip...
?