i really have zero idea what people think of me.

most of the times, i don't give a shit about other people.
some people call it self-centered.
but again, i don't usually give a shit.

my theory is,
"you're not my bf, you're not my parents. I don't have to like you"
"i'm not your gf, i'm not your parents, you don't have to like me"

i guess there was this period of time i was really concerned about what other people think, and i would kill to know what other people think. but that was really really long ago, like when i was in primary sch and all.

people say lousy stuffs to me, behind me, infront of me, beside me. and i get affected a lot.

I remember forcing myself to be less kpo. seriously. and i guess it went extreme, and i became like this over the decade. still a little kpo, but i swear i'm below average. plus i'm half blind. and I'm self-centered.

so.. being heck-care and ignorant, i realised i do miss out on a lot of stuffs. half the time i don't even know what's going on. people come in through the door i don't even look, people sitting beside me i don't even care. And when I ask 'what's going on?', people either can't say or lazy to explain.

Being less kpo have caused me to be less observant apparently.. :(
sigh. 

but i mean....
will i be happier if i know stuffs? 

will i be happier if i know like 99.99% of my friends hate me?
will i be happier to know that i'm disgusting/ugly/stupid, or all of them?
will i be happier if i know how much you earn? or who is rich, who is not? who is with who, who is quarreling with who? who digs his nose, who goes to the toilet and never wash his hands etc.

i mean  those are bad stuffs.
but what are the chances that people say good stuffs?
i don't know.
see what i mean...?



anyway..... what got me into this was because i was reading my older posts (i'm not a narcissist, i just very much like to know what i was doing at this time last year. or a few months back) 

and i really get what i mean when i said that I wouldn't write sad emo depressing posts, because this is what happens. I read about them and I remember explicitly what happened, and how i felt. the feelings all came back. i mean, i was feeling really trashy last year, everything single thing was going the wrong way, and wtf, I wanted to cry when I remembered all the stuffs.

it's amazing how a small trigger can make you remember so much details.

and.. it's just self-reflection.
now i think about it, some people do really hate me.
i get the signs, now.
can't really remember why they hate me, maybe it will come back later next time.
but yes, i get that they hate me.

and i didn't gave a shit about it.

being delusional/ignorant/bo-chup/close-both-eyes..
it helps sometimes doesn't it?
at least i got through them, small wound.

but..
i think it's time for me to open my eyes now.
and it doesn't necessarily mean i have to be a kpo.

i think i need to see more, now. know what's going on, and stop being blind.


it's just the sleep talking.
nights world!