a very grim post, i guess

 I'll start by saying, I have very little respect for doctors in general.

Yes, I grew up with the same ideals, that the key to happiness is by being successful, and everything will fall into place.

What do I want to be when I grow up?
"I want to be a doctor." I find myself answer one day.
And I didn't even know why.


Over the years as I grew up, my respect of doctors just slowly diminished.

They are arrogant.

They are insincere.

They are materialistic.

They cheat and lie and sleep around.
(maybe this is a social norm now??)

Just so full of themselves, they think they're god!


The video is saying exactly what it is now of doctors. He is a good example, or what he was a year ago, of what doctors are like.


I don't think the video was tryna improve his image or anything. He was an ass, probably. But he's a changed man, and I respect him for his honesty and how he wants to change the society and system in Singapore with what little time and power he has left. But will doctors learn from this video? Yes, probably for about 5minutes. A day, a week, a month, or maybe a year.

But no, they will be selfish eventually.
There is no hope for this career.

I have no respect for doctors, no matter how rich and famous they are.
I am sure there are good ones that do, but they never made it to the news.

Respect is not a right, but has to be earned.
And honestly, I never want to have a doctor-friend.

Yes doctors have a power.
Of having medical knowledge and skills.
But they lack a lot more.
And that's just how it is.

Everyone lack something.
Maybe the question is why are we always so unfulfilled?
And not how do we fill the holes in our hearts and desires.
no pun intended.


We are dying slowly with each day.
Yet as we are dying, we are also living.
But are we really LIVING?



Okay I still do want to be a doctor.. but not the kind that gets involved with drugs or surgeries.

五月天阿信说的。。。

why so poetic one.

一场伤心流不完的泪· 一片洁白看不清的雪· 一丝暖感受不到的风· 一心执着无结果的爱· 一杯人生喝不醉得酒· 一首离别不成诗的歌· 一幽谁真假难辨的梦· 一个注定浮云的结局·

ugh. feeling really angsty now. :(

Emo ttm.!

Sometimes i sit and i wonder, and i just cant seem to believe... I think when u're sad/emo, even the sweetest and happiest song can sound just so sad.


Friends don't manipulate friends -the vampire diaries

Delusions..

Life has been.. hard. ever since i got here.
not used to the changes, but have to live with it.


"it's sad when people you know, become people you knew."
as quoted from my friend.

haven't you had this feeling before?

one day you realise you don't actually know that person you used to know so well anymore.


Lately I have this feeling that I am very delusional. That what i'm feeling is exaggerated. i am feeling only 10x less of what i think it is.

Feeling sad, miserable.
but again, maybe it's 10x less.

ugh-

今天又出门咯

已经好不容易补好的洞，自己却又把它挖了出来。


感触好多。
觉得自己好笨。

或许洞，根本从来就没补好过吧。

i found my old stuffs.

and i realised just how much times i have been feeling like this already.
countless.
over the past few years.
I never realised that I was actually this unhappy so often.
And I wonder why I always let it happen all over again...


what a slow learner I am.
what a huge damage done. 
and now, it seems irreparable already.

And it seems like all I can do now is to leave it and let it rot and decompose..
What did I do to myself..

except I don't have hazel eyes.

I'm going to drown myself in my notes now.
tata.

Hard to please.

Hate the rain. it's depressing,
but at least I'll be safe indoors.

The sun is harmful,
but it's makes my day bright and sunny..

Feelings.

If only it would just go.. away.

nothing-ness.

i have no faith.. no believes.. no goals.. no religion. i feel like i can't trust anymore.



oh, i'm a science student, i believe in Einstein.


people usually need two things to hold on to. the physical one, and the psychological one.
i think i'm just grabbing air now..

My new year begins on 2nd Feb.

2009 sucked big time for me..
cheers to 2010!

Overwhelmed. Lethargic.

The month of libra has ended. Haha. seems like I'm counting my months based on horoscope now. Month of Scorpio now.. Libra just came and went like that, so fast! I didn't even get to enjoy the month of my star sign yet and now it's over~ :(

My birthday month was... not as exciting as I hoped. Turned 21 this year but, really not excited or whatever. I can't say for all, but all the people I've asked, their favourite month is their birthday month, which is really the normal thing. Except... I kinda really hate October in the past.. Now, not so.. mostly because I have a super October-Lover that I see everyday in my lab who refuse to let me be unhappy during Libra month. haha. but still not my top few fav month.. My fav month is actually.... SECRET.

hahahaha.



BLEH!





Anyway, since it's long over, and it's really long over... thought I'd just post up all the cards i received for my bday this year :)  A bit hao lian la, if you wanna think that way, go ahead? haha.. er... see if i care?


Love all those pretty cardsss! :)

From my beloved lynette sister. :) very cute hor! haha. Plasticine rubbery rubbery one. haha.. cute that there's 3 of us in a gym room! =o)

And I couldn't watch R21 only until recently.. hhahaha.

*****************************

From the poly peeps! heee.. these girls can't wait for me and kiong's wedding! Especially Sandra.. "Happy Marriage (In advance)" She says. haha. can't help but feel abit um-chio *SHY* :P

I dunno what's that she's drawing.. think some chemist thingy??? i realy dunno. But it's so..-sandra. =P

*******************

And of course from my very very darling nicole ningxin!
And alvin too. hehe.

The very gorgeous, hand-made, pop-up, 21st birthday card! Extremely professional. When I saw the card it was totally, oh-my-goodness! kind of exclamation.! It was really really very nice.. the balloons just stands up when I open up the card. Alot of purple.. the front was neat and nice, with the cloth border thingy and all the shiny cards.. not messy at all. So prettyyyy!

And of course, alot of substance.
Hahaha..

It was actually quite nice, hangover at my house (& alvin's), beancurd and you tiao at 5AM in the morning... Crazy sister drinking in the living room with her frens.. and we just.. woke up for the real breakfast at 11am. and went home. haha

Hang over is LOVE~ ^.^
But getting old for that soon..
Recovery time is getting longer and longer~
hahaha..
But still...
i like their company :)

************************

and the most touched one... awww....

lots of hardwork!! so touched.. all the photos and msges.. and effort! Spent so much time making this card.. the stickerss...and the "L" can actually spin. haha. there's the cute sticker with water in it too. like so old-school which makes me feel so nostalgic. So touched!

Even though it's in chinese, i will still read it.... just takes longer. haha. :)

The creator.
haha.

Thanks so much! :)

******************************

Birthday girl.
21 candles.
Special birthday cake!
:) from lichang they all.
which marks the end of my bday 'celebrations' this year..


It feels like my shoulders are just suddenly heavier when i turn 21.
=/
I think it's called responsibility.
and responsibility usually equates to boring stuffs.
so sad!

*************************




Been feeling verrrryy tired lately! monday is HATE. grrr.. went for cme talk today. Out of no where, i just felt like going. Walked under the scorching sun. almost died.

I dunno what's wrong with myself either.
Sometimes I just can't forget all my lessons learnt.
it's supposed to be good not to forget right?

Some how it feels like amnesia is better this time round..

?? no idea.

Oh well. Guess I don't blog anymore :/

Hmmm.. Lots of stuffs happened during my leave, my leave, after my leave, after i went back to work, on MC and my life over the past few days. But I just can't find the drive to blog about my life. It seems.. pretty mundane sometimes. Must be having my pms, but when am i ever not having pms. huh!


So.. guess I'll start slow.. Hmm.. work was pretty tiring lately. I forgot my primary password after so many days of leave. I think my memory is failing :(

I somehow hated how suay I can get when it comes to the number of specimens. But it's still manageable. Can only blame myself for bad luck right?  Probably because I'm feeling a bit crappy these days, lots of stuffs on my mind, just recovered from a throat inflammation, really really a lot of stuffs buggin' me' and I don't feel like talking to anyone about it or entertaining anyone. It's so bad lah, but I really can't be bothered. =/

I forgotten how it was like to be a student. Young, studious, non-working, scrimp and save. It feels really different when you work and meet new people. You have different ideas, different mentality, you learn new things, you realize old things that happened a long time ago. Sigh.


I think birthdays are really emo period huh.

I just feel like I need time to be alone, to think, to see things more clearly. Sometimes when you get older, you don't see things very well, you don't understand things as well. Do things become more unbelievable and complicated as you grow older? Or am i really just more blind and more dumb.


Okay lah! I know i'm not that old to talk about such stuffs; but not very young either. haha.


life is full of drama you have no time for re-runs.
and i just pray mine would be too mundane for a drama to happen.
yup.

I began this entry wanting to talk about work, ended up talking about.. life? haha. or so it may seem.

Janice bought me a birthday gift! Oh my tian, she's so thoughtful! Hehe. shall upload the photo one day to 'save' the memory. So gonna miss her when she's gone! T.T

and to side track a lil.. I realise, after a few incidents, it's really hard to buy a present for some one you really don't know. Not hard to buy, but more like hard to think of what to buy. The closer you are to that person, the easier it is to think of what to get right? :)

So.. all the presents I received, I'm truly grateful! Cuz it's all about the time and effort spent in thinking, buying, and spending on the present for your friend. Every step in buying a gift is difficult! I especially pay more attention to the wrapping when I give a gift. I will wraaaappp until very sui sui and then I'll be sooo satisfied.  and the card when I receive. Hehe. Love cards! :))

Hmm.. still trying to accept that I'm 21.
I know I'll get by..
I rmb it was harder during the transition to the biggie 20. It was quite a nightmare, I think, last year. I really felt the phobia.

But this year.. seems like any other ordinary year! (except last year's)
Sooner or later i'm going to give up 'celebrating' my bday.
:(

Okay, gotta go catch up on my beauty sleep. Haha. very vain lately. :P
Good night!

Missing my biibii alot too.

it's sept-11 again.

8 years passed since the attack you realised?

I remember I was only sec one then.
and lyn was still in america.
that was a long time ago. long time.

but it passed still.
8 years ago i was still 12 years old!
geez.

8 years ago i was only 1.3m. haha.
not much diff but, i still grew kays..
haha.

8 years ago i was much grumpier i think.
i hated my life then.
wished everyone would just disappera.
haha.

8 years ago i think i failed my first history paper.
the first paper i failed in my secondary sch.
of course I lost count thereafter
haha.

8 years ago..
i had a very good bunch of friends. =)

8 years ago I don't have pimples can!
8 years ago I don't even have the 'aunty' problem every month
8 years ago I only have my then-idiotic brother to quarrel with.
8 years ago I wasn't close to my sister.
8 years ago I didn't miss my sister.
8 years ago I was very close to my cousins/neighbours/playmates.


2001...
was very long ago.
all the silly stuffs that happened 8 years ago, and i'm laughing about them now.
but what's the point of looking back now.

Looking forward to 8 years from now :)

but will i still be laughing at my present self eight years later like i am now?

live your life.

ahh..
you know, in the whole process of life, the hardest part is probably the waiting part.
and the fact is, our whole life is probably spent waiting.
waiting for our results, waiting for our posting.
waiting for enlistment, waiting for school to start

the typical waiting for your friend who was late..
waiting for your break, waiting for you next holiday

waiting..
is so agonizing.


because you have nothing proper to be done.
you're just filling up your time with other things.
until the time has come.
and things happened.
and you move on.
and probably this time,
wait for that thing to end?

waiting waiting waiting.

we'll spend our whole life waiting.
just for that few moments.
that few moment when things actually happened.

i hope i don't have to wait too long...

隐瞒

while.. this week had been a pretty weird week, in a way. starting to miss ana! somehow, emoing alone at my bench. have too much alone time I guess, and alone time makes me think sooo much. way too much. Especially when I can't see him for the week. :/ I get edgy when I know I can't see him soon. sucks. and i know i'm being super disgusting sometimes. bleahh..


sometimes, the words just slip out.. unintentionally..
and sometimes, intentionally, the words are kept inside.


disappointment sets in again.
when you got what you didn't expect
when you didn't get what you expect
from the people around you.

why can't people just be frank.
what's with "because you didn't ask"
how do you ask when i don't even know it happened.
geez...


so.. i believe that as you grow older...
there are more things you can't say
and many more things that you must learn to say
to the correct person.
and decide who are the ones who are just not worth your time.


i tend to say alot of random things when i'm worried.
very worried.
cos these are the stuffs that pretty much happened some time back and not at the moment
which means to say, i'm very worried!


i think it is partly due to the aura during the 7th month festival.
Very depressing atmosphere don't you think??


If only all the pieces fall into the right places.
if only.
i can only hope.

in the dark

It's.. very quiet over here.

somehow, seeing my friends happy, and moving on, makes me glad, and happy too :)

happy for them.



not for myself.
i'm unhappy..
unhappy with so many things...
有短暂的快乐。。 也好过没有吧。

难过 是因为闷了很久
是因为想了太多
是心理起了作用

mj.

was listening to the song. happen to listen to this song; you are not alone. and.. it's so sad isn't it? he died. you know, he just died. since young i watched his music videos on TV, his news, lots of them, and one day the star just disappeared.

things disappear you know.
people disappear.
they disappear...

i learnt today..
that you don't know how beautiful a day is, until it's all over.

sometimes, it disappears the next day...
so cherish what you have now.
don't wait till it's too late..
do it today,
because sometimes, there's no tomorrow..