Cry me a river that leads to your ocean, you'll never see me fall apart in the words of a broken heart, it's just emotions taking me over. caught up in sorrow lost in the song.

This has got to be the longest title I've ever had. But it's only almost there.

I thought yesterday was bad, but somehow today managed to win it's way up the top few worse days in Quest. It's bad and it's worse because it's one of those few days where I'm completely exhausted and I have absolutely no energy to even feel angry or say anything. One of those days where I'm silently tortured and I won't let myself say anything because whatever that comes out of my mouth will only make things worse. I don't wanna explain, it will also only make things worse. SO like what I said, silent torture. I can only hear, can only think (too much) can only say sorry.

I just wish that when I close my eyes, everything will go away.


When things go wrong, most of the time I know what went wrong.. someone did something, I did something. I know what I should do. I know what to do. But the past few months, lately, it just seems that sometimes, there can be absolutely no reason at all, if someone just decides to do something bad to you.  Maybe I've lost it. I've lost the 'thing' that lets me know what went wrong. Because, I really have no idea. And when I think about it, it ends up being always my fault. And I feel bad. I'm upset and then I get over it. But then it happens again.

I'm tired of trying to always make myself happy. Each day passes and you decide whether to let it be a happy or unhappy one. Every time I'm unhappy, I make myself get over it, find excuses, think long-term, shove all the unhappiness behind, get some distractions. And I'm tired. I'm tired of making myself happy when I'm obviously not. I'm tired of pretending that I've gotten over it.

the thing is, i never get over things.
it's just how much i let it get hidden, get forgotten.
but it's always there. it will always be there.
because you can't change what has happened.
i'm like this!


And then not long later, I got myself a poker face. I've always thought my emotions are spread all over my face. If I'm pissed with you, I'll be pissed with you. I don't smile and have lunch/dinner with you.  But somehow, poker face. people think I can never be unhappy. nothing can ever hurt me. (and i can never get sick). I'm strong. and they don't have to spare a thought for my feelings. it's almost as if my feelings are non-existent.


And then, i have no one to blame because it's all me.
I brought this all upon myself.


And.. it's worse because sometimes, there's this special one that actually knows you. knows what you're going through, knows you're unhappy. and then... is the one who pushed the knife deeper into the wound. And the feeling... is overwhelming. speechless. suddenly i feel that i'm in hell because i'm being piled up with sins. I have doubts that I have any redeeming points at all. and it's all my fault.

Eyelash extensions are good because it gives me the power to stop myself from crying my eyes out.

The future scares me. The short-term future. I don't know what will happen tomorrow, later, 2-3 hours later, next week. what people will do again. what i will feel again. what i have to go through again. it's like short and long history repeating itself. sometimes the same thing happen every week, or every month, or every year. it repeats. and it scares the hell out of me because I will always think that "this will be different, i'll do it right this time. this ending will be different." and then, it still ends up the same. all gone.


what am i to you actually. what am i... 


and all these are beyond retail-therapy.
so, i'm so dead.

and I know, it's just emotions taking me over...