doubts and accusations

I really hate it, and it really dampen my mood, my entire day when I know that someone is unhappy over the things that I do. Because that also meant that I have to change and do everything to ensure it doesn't happen again and everyone is happy.



Everyone except me.




At certain point in my life, I have already decided that people should like me as who I am and who I will be. So it really sting when you realise people loved you as what they think you, and not what you really are. Sucks big time. =(



(i can't believe i listened to When you're gone 12x in a row. now it's in my head)





since people like me as gentle stupid and innocent, I dunno. ME stupid? maybe. But gentle and innocent definitely not right. How can I ever forget the days spent wrestling with my brother until I almost suffocated and him almost having to puke out his lunch.





But, I'll see what I can do..

people say, don't be selfish and just think of yourself.
think of the people around you.



I dunno, it just seem like there's no choice on what I want/can do anyway..



I can't even have my freedom of speech, my freedom of silence anymore :'((
I can't even be sad.

****


And then now I have like totally no position at home. Everyone is working and contributing to the family income, and I'm still spending mum's money. They wanted to buy a new air con and they are discussing it in front of me, dividing the amount by 4 and ignoring my feelings. Mum saying that I have no BUDGET and financial planning and saying that she didn't expect me to contribute and that she'd be happy enough if I don't take money from her anymore.





Sometimes, i really feel like asking if i was the one who wanted to study so much. Is it really ME, the one who decide my life? Is it me that wanted to study and not work?? I really want to contribute but I'm still STUDYING for heavens sake, for my THEIR SAKE. And now I'm being treated like a pest and troublemaker.





Why am I suppose to treat the world like my family and my family treating me like i belong to the outside world.





I'm feeling so useless,
life sucks.